Isn't it amazing how love can either build us or ruin us? How a person can say how much they love us and won't ever leave us but then leave you and hurt you so badly till you can no longer bear the pain and want to stop breathing and kill yourself?! Sometimes... don't you think that it's so stupid and patethic to love? For love has this bitter sweet and sick cycle. A cycle that I used to not believe in. A cycle that is so unfar and is somewhat normal in our society. This is the cycle that causes the pain that we feel in every relationship that we get into. A stupid, sick, selfish, patethic and unfair cycle that we are all going through.

This is how this cycle works and I will tell it to you in a story.

Ethan has a relationship with Jessie. Jessie loves Ethan so much but Ethan fell out of love and broke up with Jessie. Jessie was hurt badly by this and was at the brink of insanity. Years had passed and Jessie tried to love again eventhough he knows that deep inside his heart, he is still madly inlove with Ethan. Jessie made himself believe that he has moved on. And so, he opened his heart to a new "love", Mikel. Like how Jessie love Ethan, Mikel loves Jessie so much or maybe even more than how Jessie loves Ethan. Mikel loves Jessie so much that he had sacrificed so much, even chose Jessie over his own family. Mikel was aware of the fact that Jessie is still inlove with Ethan, but because of the love that he feels for Jessie, he accepted this fact and stayed with him, giving him and showing him the love that he feels for Jessie.

A couple of months passed, things became more and more complicated for the two, and so they broke up. Mikel was so devastated by this. He loves Jessie so much that he had forgotten about himself and was left with nothing after that aweful day. Mikel loves Jessie so much but after that day, he felt his very being loose every inch of hope and zest to live. Mikel tried every single way to win Jessie back only to find out that Jessie has started falling inlove with somebody else... falling inlove with somebody else even before they broke up. This fact pinned and drilled another hole into Mikel's heart.

Life had to go on for Mikel and he tried every possible way to forget. Mikel detached himself from everything that has to do with Jessie. Like Jessie, he made himself believe that he is over only love.

Mikel went on a long trip to help himself forget and for him to have time to think about what is happening to his life. When Mikel thought that he was doing "ok" already, he went back. But the sad reality of love has started haunting Mikel.

After opening his heart to a new love, he realized all of a sudden, and felt that he is still inlove with Jessie. He still cares for him and still wants him back, and Mikel's new love knew about this... Mikel unconciously made his new love feel this. Like what Jessie had done to Mikel (something that Mikel vowed to not ever do) he was using someone for a rebound. Mikel was using somebody to help him move on, to make himself believe that he has moved on... but all along, Mikel has not.

Mikel was fooling himself on believing that he has healed and that he doesn't love Jessie anymore. With his, Mikel felt so much guilt on the situation that he is in. The situation of being in a relationship with someone who you don't really love.

Trying and wanting to end the cycle of pain, Mikel decided to put a stop to the relationship that he was in. He did not want to hurt anybody (eventhough he has started to) just to be able to move on. Mikel didn't want to do the same thing that Jessie did to him.

After breaking up with his love. Mikel decided not get into another relationship again, until the time when he is really over Jessie. Jessie, the person who he loves so much until now but the one person who had hurt him so badly.

Mikel wanted to end the cycle through sacrificing a possible love that could have been very fruitfull, that could have worked.

Mikel decided to just be alone and not to love again because he knows that he can only love one person... Jessie.

Love has its cycle and this story is a proof of that cycle. Oftenly we try to use other people to help ourselves move on which obviously a wrong thing to do. I just hope that people learn from every wrong turn that they take. If so, everything will be better.

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((written July 5, 2005))

This is the worst pain anyone could ever feel.

I miss the old days... days when everything was alright... when all we had was ourselves and everything seemed like it was going to be fine. There were things that we promised us... I promised us, and YOU promised us...

I held your hand when you were soaring... I caught you everytime you fell. I admit that I was never the perfect one...I may have held your hand wrong at times, or perhaps I butted in on things that you never wanted me to know or understand.

But all the time we were together... these were precious moments that I thought being together was forever. I believed in forever because I never saw the end. What a fool I was not to see that end was just a heart beat away.

I'm trying to get over you, I know that you know that. It's hard to get over someone like you... especially since your face, your movements are marked on every single memory that I am living right now. I try to get away but these memories keep on chasing me... Like an awful K-hole that I'm trying to escape.

In flashing lights I see your smile. In music I listen to I hear your voice. In our friends I feel your presence.

I'm moving on. I know I am and I am struggling hard.

But still, why do I ask myself, how can I move on from everything when I know that the time that I was with you was the time when I told myself " I am happy, trully happy!".

Now I know, all that I've done and i guess, doing... is to Love trully and unconditionally.